Tonight, I feel sick to my stomach. I don’t know how to explain it other than that. The Lord is tugging so hard at my spirit lately, and it’s simultaneously the best feeling and worst feeling in the world. Great because I know that His less-than-gentle “nudges” are generally the start of something spectacular. Uncomfortable because, to be honest, this is really the first time in my life that I’ve felt this, despite the fact that I was raised in church.
Josh and I just got back from St. Louis; we went there with our two best friends to attend a wedding. And while on the drive back with Megan and KC, we were discussing the male need for a calling and a purpose and a pursuit of something bigger than himself. And more than ever, I’m beginning to associate that need with myself as well. We got back from St. Louis, and we’re sitting here watching Harry Potter, and I feel like I’m about to crawl out of my own skin. I don’t want to spend every night sitting on the couch watching TV anymore. I want to be immersed in something bigger than myself, bigger than being comfortable, bigger than being numb or being entertained or being happy. It feels like the last several years of my life have been leading up to this point; maybe I just haven’t been ready until now, or maybe I’ve just been ignoring it. But for years now, the Lord has been breaking me down and building me up in new truths and preparing me for something. And now, the last piece of the puzzle seems to have fallen into place; he’s given me a partner, someone who shares my need for a purpose. And I know that, on much the same level, my wonderful husband is experiencing the same ache. The same feeling that there has to be something more than this, that our purpose is greater than we know right now.
I don’t even know what to pray for right now. I’m just remembering His promise to intercede for us when we don’t know what to pray, to pray for us in groanings that outweigh words. I pray that He continues to make both Josh and I so desperately uncomfortable with a life of comfort and ease that we cannot help but get up and move with swiftness and passion in His direction, even when it looks like nothing more than running into a darkened abyss.
I think this may be what it feels like to be desperate for Him.