.bleed.daylight.

“Break my heart for what breaks Yours.” – Brooke Fraser, Hillsong United.

Over the course of the past week and a half, I have begun to lay hold on a lot of truths.  One of the major ones is this: it is absolutely foolish for us to believe that our prayers go unheard and/or unanswered.  And as I’ve pondered that thought it’s begun to occur to me that, at least in my own life, the occasional worry that maybe God isn’t hearing me is a result of the fact that He’s hearing me just fine and answering me just as adequately…but isn’t answering exactly as I’d like.  Frequently, my prayers are prayers of “Get me out of this,” or “Fix this situation,” or some equally self-centered plea.  And then, when the answer is “No” or “Wait,” I’d rather wallow, believing that there couldn’t possibly be a better way to handle this sitaution than the one I’ve dreamed up, so God must not be listening. 

Prayers like this one are a reminder to me that God is ALWAYS looking out for our best interest; even if the route to that best interest doesn’t feel good.  He will always have a preference for growth rather than comfort.  So when He pray prayers seeking comfort, the answer is frequently “No” or “Wait,” or “Not the way you’re thinking.”  But when His people pray prayers seeking growth, seeking a broader view, seeking to be more like Him…He is never hesitant to answer those prayers.

I began praying this prayer on a daily basis about a week ago.  And in the days that have followed, I have been a wreck.  It has been beautiful and disastrous quite simultaneously.  I have found myself broken for people I know.  For people I don’t know.  For the heart of my best girl.  For the heart of my husband.  For the hearts of my neices.  Seeing life and situations in ways that have never occurred to me before.

A few days ago, I was driving to see my best friend, who is currently having the hell beat out of her by Satan himself.  And as I was driving, praying about what to say to her or how to encourage her or how to love her well with my words and actions…it just hit me.

She’s His baby girl.

His baby girl, the one He knows to be a treasure beyond all treasures.  He knows her intimately, knows her value, knows her worth, knows her purpose.  And in this moment in time, the Father of lies is telling her that she is worthless.  And she feels it.  She feels worthless and ugly and unnecessary and replaceable. 

How it must tear Him apart.  To watch His own beautiful creation [one of His most beautiful, if you ask me] question herself and her beauty and all the wealth of glory that is within her.  That was put in her by Him. 

And I lost it at that moment.  And in so many ways, I have continued losing it.  Because I know so well that she’s not the only one.

How it must tear Him apart to see His world, His creation, His beauties, the loves of His Life in this state of non-completion.  Set against each other, set against ourselves, set against Him.  Accepting so much less than what we were created for, denying the heaven that is set inside us.  I can only guess at the level of brokenheartedness our God must experience as He watches us grasp at tiny strands of glory when we were created for an entire tapestry of it.

I pray that He continues to break my heart for what breaks His; to make me aware of all the hurting around me.  The brokenness.  The sadness.  The half-life.

I pray that He would give me the vision and opportunity and passion to kick at that darkness until it bleeds daylight.

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