“One definition of maturity is learning to delay pleasure. Children do what feels good; adults devise a plan and stick to it…What we’re talking about here is that dirty word called discipline.” – Dave Ramsey
Ouch. Tonight has been a rough night. Someone should put a warning label on self-denial, seriously. Because it’s four days after NYE, and my resolutions have thrown me into full scale withdrawals.
I haven’t eaten out in a few days now. I haven’t had pop in a few days now. I haven’t pigged out on junk food in a few days now. And as silly as it may sound, it is RIDICULOUS to me how acutely I can feel the effects of those facts on my body and my mentality. I get angry when I deny myself things that I like. Especially when it’s easy to justify them as “small pleasures.” I mean, I don’t do anything bad, now do I?
Except that in some ways, I think maybe I do. I never realized up to this point how frequently I eat for emotional reasons. When I’m feeling sad or lonely or frustrated or tired…that’s my comfort mechanism. Rather than dealing with whatever is going on internally, I curl up with a book and eat until I’m uncomfortably full. And when I don’t do that…I find myself getting irrationally frustrated. Tonight, I felt like I was having some kind of out-of-body experience. I felt my temper and my frustration spiraling out of control in a way I haven’t experienced in awhile. Thank God for an incredibly patient husband who can hold me and tell me he loves me and let me be upset, and then tell me when I need to snap out of it.
I went for a long drive and collected my thoughts, praying and trying to figure out why I felt so angry. And in the process, this whole idea of rethinking healthy took a new turn for me. Because it’s not just about keeping my body healthy, but my spirit healthy. And if I use food to escape from my frustrations, I’m not encouraging myself to be healthy at all–physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. And as angry as I felt tonight about denying myself my right to my security blanket, my comfort, I rest assured that I’d rather suffer a few weeks of being angry and frustrated than spend the rest of my life trying to fill the holes in my heart and answer the questions in my mind with things that weren’t meant to fill or answer them–things that just make me less healthy and less fulfilled.
Hmmm. This night may be exactly what I meant by “rethink healthy.”