cluttered hope

It’s 11:55 pm, and I’ve been awake since 4:30 this morning.  A full day of work, a full evening of preparations for a show tomorrow night, and I finally made it home.  And I find myself sitting here, staring at an apartment that is far, far more cluttered than I’m completely comfortable with.  And my mind feels much the same.  So, as I sit here trying to figure out whether to organize the apartment or my mind…my mind wins.

My eyes keep returning to this little shoebox that’s resting on the floor by the couch I’m lying on.



Doesn’t seem like much, but it’s somewhat symbolic to me.  They’re the champagne glasses we bought for New Year’s Eve this year.  It was the first box we packed in the process of moving out of our first apartment.  It’s going into a storage unit in the city for the next few months while we’re living with Josh’s parents.  And as I keep staring at it, I keep thinking…what is our life going to look like when we open that box again? Are we going to be in Texas? Are we going to be in Kansas City? Will Josh be in nursing school? Will I still be working at Imagine? Who knows? A few months may not seem like a lot, but in the hands of a complex and creative God, absolutely anything can happen in a few months.  And they’ll pass us by before we know it.

It is CRAZY to me to realize that we’ve been in this apartment for fifteen months.  That seems like such a long time, until you’re looking back on it.  And now it feels like no time at all has passed.  It really does seem like a few days ago that we said our wedding vows and started out on this journey.  It seems like just a few days ago that I would wake up in the middle of the night, still almost startled that Josh was in bed next to me, and think, “When did this happen? When did I get married? When did I become an adult? When did I get old enough to live with a man??”

And life is so much like that, you know? We never think the stage we’re in is going to end…until it does.  We never realize the speed with which time moves until we look back and a year is gone.  And I’m told that it only moves faster from here on out.  And, having gained some experience and wisdom since the first time people started telling me that, I actually believe them now.

I really don’t want to waste my life.  I don’t want to waste time or wish it away.  I want to enjoy every moment I can and suck it dry of life, knowing that one day I’ll wake up and these moments that I’m enjoying right now will have moved on to become other new beginnings, to other new moments to enjoy.  And not that those won’t be good in their own right.

But man, this time is precious.  Now is always precious and sometimes I forget to realize it until it’s become then.  So tonight, I want to sit here on my last night in my first apartment as a married woman, stare at the clutter and soak in the fact that tomorrow is the beginning of yet another beginning.  The beginning of another chapter to be written.

And as overwhelming as that can feel in moments…it also feels like hope.


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