just be

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it sounds like when God speaks.  Today, for some reason, God speaking came to me in the idea that I should give you a call and talk through everything that’s in my head, knowing that you’d have a perspective that I’m not capable of because I’m too close.

And, as strange as it sounds, a conversation began running through my head, one that sounded much like what I think you would say to me.  And sometimes I wonder if that’s how God speaks.  Through the people in our lives, through the things they do or don’t say to us in certain moments.

This probably doesn’t make any sense.  But I’m learning that that’s okay.

You have to have a little grace for yourself, Aud.  You must keep in mind that part of the beauty of being a wife is missing for you right now, and your heart is adjusting.  Part of the heart of a wife is taking care of a home, taking care of her husband and providing a safe space for him to come home to.  And no matter how great your relationship with your in-laws is, no matter how great an opportunity this is for you and Josh–it definitely limits your ability to provide for him in the way you do best.  As silly as it may sound to you to think that coming home from work and vacuuming and cleaning the bathroom and organizing the peninsula and taking care of the house and making sure that he feels at home and comfortable is a MEANINGFUL way to show love to Josh–it is.  And right now, you don’t get to provide that in the way you used to, and he doesn’t get to feel that in the way he used to.  And that’s okay–but it still feels bad.  And that’s okay, too.  It’s okay to feel bad.  It’s okay to feel in moments like you’re not as useful as a wife as you once were–as long as you know that’s not reality.  You just have to find your way to a new version of normal.  And that takes some time and a whole lot of patience–mostly with yourself.

Find a way to create a sanctuary, a safe place in a world that’s dominantly lacking in privacy and silence.  Create time and space in your day to experience being at rest together, to experience calmness together.  Know that as you do so, your new “home” will begin to take shape and feel a little less cluttered.

And also, keep in mind that during this time when you’re feeling less useful than ever, you may feel a desire to fill your time with other service-oriented somethings.  And that’s by no means a bad thing–anything that leads you to serve someone else out of the kindness of your heart is from Him.  But don’t forget that just because something is from Him doesn’t mean Satan doesn’t have the power to twist it into guilt and condemnation and “I should haves.”  Which is NOT from Him.  He doesn’t work through the art of condemnation of those who love Him.  So by all means, use your time and resources to serve and love and grow.  But do so out of opportunity, not obligation.

Take some time to rest.  You have it, and it’s a gift.  Take a moment to sit in silence and listen to the Spirit move in your chest.  He will, quite faithfully, if you just take a moment to stop thinking…stop trying…stop moving…and just be.

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