nod

I remember, when I was a little girl, looking to my dad for his take on who I am and what I’m capable of.

He had that reassuring nod down pat, and still does.  There have been many times throughout life when, during a challenging situation, I would find myself looking at Dad and mentally asking, “Can I do this? Are you sure?” From the first time I rode a horse to the day I gave my senior recital in college, the question must have been visible in my eyes, because without fail…I would ask that unspoken question, and he would nod at me.

Today feels much the same, looking into the eyes of a Father and asking, “Can I do this? Are you sure? I don’t feel like I’m cut out for this, but if you say I am…I’ll do it.  So am I? Can I? Will it be enough?”

And I still feel that nod, not visible to my eyes this time around, but apparent in the depths of my soul.  I continue to doubt myself, though…moving forward and wondering why He would choose me.  Why, of all people, He would empower me to speak truth to such a depth of brokenness.

And some days, I still run away from it.  I still find myself throwing up my hands and saying, “Nope.  This is not for me to deal with.  This is not for me to take on.  I can’t do it.  It’s too much, it’s too heavy, it’s too deep, and I’m just…too small.  Maybe I can, but to be honest, I just don’t want to.  And I’m not even sold on the “I can” part.”

And yet, the nodding continues and I cannot outrun it.

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