not good at halfway

Trust is becoming an increasingly difficult thing.

It’s pretty simple to exhibit trust when things are, for all intents and purposes, going according to plan.  It’s those days when you wake up and your life is nothing like you expected or wanted it to be.  I’ve been there, walking that path.  Fortunately, I can’t say that’s where I am right now.  Today is merely one of those days when I wake up and my life is absolutely everything I dreamed it to be.  Almost.

I have never been good at halfway.  I’ve always tended to be an all or nothing person, one who works well either completely in my comfort zone, or completely out of my comfort zone.  The halfway business is very difficult for me.  When I sense that I’ve gotten a taste of how glorious something has the potential to be, and, for whatever reason, need to keep getting that taste without experiencing the real deal…I immediately start to feel a little suffocated.  And when there’s no particular end in sight, it is a full-time job to keep myself enough in check to not go into full-blown panic mode.

I feel like much of my life is in the halfway zone right now.  And, in this moment and many moments recently, I absolutely hate it.  I don’t feel like myself.  I feel out of sorts and disoriented and overly emotional.  I have witnessed small things, things that would never have even phased me a year ago, send me over the edge into irritability and disrespectfulness and the depths of this person I’ve never been before.  I find myself becoming more negative, more easily provoked, more withdrawn.

And I find myself asking why.  Because, be the circumstance good or bad, I don’t believe in coincidence for a second.  So I keep turning over what I need to be learning from this, how my heart can grow in this uncomfortable season.

“…I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:11-13

I am learning how to be brought low, and to do so with grace and contentment.  Maybe that’s why it feels this season is stretching on for so long.  Because I’m just now learning how to be brought low, and now it’s my time to learn to do so by rejoicing in hope, being patient in testing, and being constant in prayer.  I am being given an opportunity to learn to trust Him in His grace and for His provision, regardless of the situation. 

Can’t say that in every moment I crave these lessons…but I’ve also lived long enough to know that I’ll be grateful for it at some point.  He’s started a good thing, and He’ll finish it, even when the good thing feels bad.

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