this is where it gets ugly

I often wonder why some things just don’t come.  Why we devote our lives to noble goals that seem just out of reach.

This morning, I was practicing with the praise band at church, and for the first time in quite some time, I felt it.  We were in the middle of a song, and I was just in it.  Heart, soul, voice…everything balanced together in the perfect marriage, and it felt incredible.  And in that moment, in that beauty, I actually found myself bitter.  Bitter because it was so beautiful, and I’d give most anything to do that for a living.

So why doesn’t it come?

And somewhere in my spirit I hear the question come.

What do you want?

I give the answer that’s not really the answer.  I want to sing.  I want to do what I love every single day, and share it with people.

Okay…now what do you REALLY want? What are you really pursuing here?


I want recognition.  To be honest, I want to be glorified by people.  That is the cold, hard, ugly truth.  I love that singing is the one thing I can that most always stops people in their tracks.  I’m not humble about it.  The glory is not to God alone.  The glory is partly to God honestly.  But I can’t yet wholeheartedly say there isn’t a part of me that craves the praise of people.  And I can’t yet wholeheartedly say that there isn’t a part of me that doesn’t mind when people praise me more than they praise God when they hear me sing.

So is this about Me, or is it about you?

Oh, it’s about me.  It’s a little bit about You, but mostly about me.  Or maybe I should say it’s a little about you, but mostly about Me.

That’s why it hasn’t come.


What are we pursuing? When we look at the things that take up the most of our time, our energy, our spirit, our lives…what are we pursuing? What is it about at the end of the day? Is it about bringing Heaven to earth? Is it about financial stability? Is it about being respected by the people around us? Is it about proving to a world that dominantly measures us in dollar signs that we’re valuable? Is it about proving to ourselves that we’re valuable? Is it about competing with the people around us?

Or is it about making the phrase “on earth as it is in Heaven” something more than black letters on a white page?

If it’s about anything other than that, should we truly be surprised when God doesn’t hand our aspirations over to us like He came to die for them specifically to be made possible?

That question is very heavy to me today.


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