trust the process

I feel like I’m in such an interesting place in life right now.

It’s that place where I’ve had just enough life experiences to have a few “Ah-HA!” moments under my belt, those moments when I start connecting dots in my history and my future and realize that God wasn’t kidding when inspired Paul to write that ALL things, every last one of them, work together for the good of those who love Him.

And yet, I’m still young and admittedly naive, and I’m not as prone to trust as I’d like to think I am most days.  So I still find myself sitting on the floor, ready to pull the numbered hairs out of my head and scream to the heavens, “Why?? Why here? Why now? What is the purpose for this? There better be a purpose for this, and a GOOD one.”

But today, in talking with my dear friend Emily, I stood in awe yet again of the weird ways God has brought my life to be what it is, the unique shape of my path.  When I look back at it, it is remarkable to me how much my heart, my ambitions, and my desires have changed over the past few years.

I did not want to work in an inner city school.  Not at all.  I was really, truly, completely desperate to be in the same city as Joshua.  And looking back, I believe God knew it would take that.  Desperation on my part, a willingness to accept “any job.”  Because what girl who grows up in safe, sheltered, Bible-Belt-Baptist Missouri naturally dreams of working in the ghetto? But in the end…Imagine Renaissance Academy was could not have been less “any job.”  I believe with all my heart that I was picked up out of my pretty little world and purposely set down at that school.

And I don’t know what happened.  But at some point, I fell in love with it.  At some point, I unconsciously realized that I never want to do anything but work with inner city kids.  And I couldn’t tell you why if my life depended on it.  All I know is that every moment of my life has in some way led up to this, and sometimes I feel like I’m gasping for air, waiting for the next piece of the puzzle to fall into place.  Like that fiction novel that you just can’t put down because you have to make it through the next chapter.

Because this much I know:

The journey is in no way over.  The dots aren’t done connecting.  I don’t think I’m going to be a career teacher, to be honest.  I think teaching was a part of the journey that had to happen to get me here, but I don’t believe in my heart that it’s the end goal.  And I find myself on so many days trying to figure out the end goal, even when I know that these things are always better off left in the hands of the One who created me and dreams very, very big dream for me.  Because slowly but surely, a passion is being uncovered in layer after layer.  And each time a layer comes off, I wait in anticipation for the next.  Some days it’s completely maddening, because I feel like I’m going to come completely unglued in the process.

But I know that God is good.  He has been so good, and He will continue to be.  He will continue to blow my mind in ways I haven’t yet dreamed, just as He has done for the past twenty-six years.


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