Tonight finds an intense mixture of feelings in my spirit.
Peace. It has been a truly wonderful week. Josh and I got back from our holiday tour-de-hometowns on Sunday, and the rest of the week has been blissfully calm. The friends we currently live with are out of town until after the new year, I’ve been off work, Josh has been working short morning shifts and then coming home…there’s been a beautiful amount of downtime, downtime that my soul desperately needed.
Anxiety. It is almost over. Monday is coming so quickly, and I can’t say with every part of me that I want it to. I am learning that with age, the old-soul in me is becoming more and more dominant, and she is so appreciative of the slow pace of the past week. Monday will be a rude awakening, no doubt. I will be thrust back into a world of chaos and busyness and fast food and time clocks and pop culture and bad attitudes (likely my own at moments, if I’m to be wholly honest). This is not a welcome change in this moment.
Longing. I long with every fiber of my being to keep the sense of peace and simplicity of this past week. As a favorite song of mine puts it, “to feel natural and safe in a volatile place.” I long to carry calm into the chaos. To keep it inside me and to project it outward. There are moments, however, when that feels so deeply impossible. I know it is not, however, because God is who He says He is. And so…I long.
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. [Phil 4:6-7, MSG]
Abba, I am a little bit terrified to go back to work on Monday. I know what happens to me there. I know how often I let the chaos affect me and disorient me and move me to the point that I don’t even recognize my own spirit. And I’m afraid of that. As I come closer to knowing Your peace, to experiencing Your life, any other alternative scares me. And yet I know how easy it is to retreat to it. To the old habits, to the pull of my humanity, to the dark romance of a world in chaos. I can’t spend my life hiding from the world. I know that. I have to trust that You in me are bigger than the world around me. Than the chaos that sometimes threatens to choke me out. You are bigger than the worries in my head. Your purpose is greater than the concerns I have. You can push them out.