war [noun] : active hostility or contention
This week has felt like war, in a lot of areas. It has been a week of struggle. Brutal, if loving, honesty. Letting go of things that always feel too important to let go of. Learning to identify the small triggers that allow for the appearance of my ugly alter-ego.
This has been a week of clenched fists, tightly grasping at everything that “should” be in my control.
Oh, that detestable word. That self-contained, six-letter lie that I keep trying unsuccessfully to remove from my vocabulary.
There is no peace in “should.” No truth, no joy, no life. The longer I cling to the way things should be, the more frustrated I become by the way they are. The more I see the irritations that rub my soul raw, and the less I see the joy.
And there is so much joy. There is SO much joy to be had, if only I am willing to let go of my expectations and live in reckless abandon to what IS. To what God has given me in this moment. To the people and love and beauty and opportunity that the moments of my life cannot contain for their volume.
This war between “should be” and “is.” This week, my prayer is to engage and fight on the side of what is, and to wage war against the lamentation of what is not.