for when you feel far too big

There are days when I just want to get in my car, find a road that leads to the coast, and not look back.  Today is one of those days.

Somebody pretty brilliant once said, “The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears, or the sea.”

I’m tired of sweat and tears today.  Today, I just want the sea.  I want to stand at the edge of the ocean and feel the grainy instability of sand beneath my feet.  I want to feel the water wash over my toes, covering them in foam and sea shells.  I want to watch an orange ball of fire sink steadily on an open canvas of blue and purple.  I want the ocean to remind me, in that way that only the ocean can, how small I am.

I feel pretty big today.  I feel pretty important.  I feel like the fate of the world might actually rest on my shoulders.  I know there are people in the world who enjoy this feeling.  I am not one of them.  Mostly because I know it’s a lie.  I don’t underestimate my insignificance.  I am not big or important.  I am not the master of my fate or captain of my soul.  I know this in theory, but the actual practice of it is far harder than the theory would allude to.

I just want to curl up in a tiny corner of the huge world that all rests entirely in God’s hands today…and feel small.

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One thought on “for when you feel far too big

  1. Cass says:

    I long for the sea in the same way and I still hate the water… mostly because it overwhelms me, and it makes me feel so insignificant. I wish I could come escape to the sea with you today for many reasons: I miss you. I miss that moment when you’re looking into something so foreign and yet so familiar. I pray that you dream of the ocean, and that the dream is sufficient for your longing.

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