who you never thought you’d be

Life is so funny.

I’d been asked to describe ten years ago who I would be at age twenty-seven, what I’d want out of life, what I would value, what my dreams would look like, the total package of what makes a life–I would have described to you something very different than my current reality.

Looking back, I’m not even sure what I would have described at that point.  I don’t even remember what I used to want, but I know it wasn’t this.  I know that this girl I look in the mirror and see is very different than who I thought she’d be.

I am a girl who likes to spend her weekends with her husband and a few close friends.  I am a girl who doesn’t particularly enjoy a crowd.  I am a girl who finds energy in quiet places.  I am a girl who is far, far more introverted than most people who watched me grow up would guess.  I am a girl who has no desire for a life filled with a lot of people who know me a little, but with a few people who know me to the depths of who I am.

I am a girl who gets called a hippie sometimes.  I am a girl who makes my own deodorant.  I am a girl who is not convinced that I want to vaccinate my children.  I am a girl who believes that half the illnesses Americans deal with on a daily basis are caused by the things we put in and on our bodies because someone else told us it’s safe, and no one would lie to make more money, right? I am a girl who gets incredibly excited when I find a way to treat the ills of myself and my family without chemicals or mainstream medicine.  I am a girl who wants to give birth in my home with no medication or interventions.

I am a girl who wants to give birth?? I am.  Wouldn’t have called that a few years back.  I am a girl who wants a family.  I am a girl who toys around with the idea of wanting to stay home with my kids, if at all possible.  I am a girl who enjoys cooking and cleaning and making a home far more than I enjoy my job, if I’m to be perfectly honest.

I am a girl who is coming into values of her own, and is beginning to be okay with owning them in the face of people who disagree.  I am a girl who doesn’t believe that Jesus Christ was a white middle class Republican.  I am a girl who believes that you can wrestle with tough questions and still believe deeply in a God who rules the universe in the most absolute of ways.  I am a girl who doesn’t believe that God expects me to see everything in black and white all the time.

I am a girl who has fallen madly in love with the poor.  I am a girl who feels more at home in the ghetto of Kansas City than in the suburbs of Dallas or the farms of Fredericktown.  I am a girl who understands the implications of generational poverty and feels like my responsibility is to insert myself in the cycle and help stop it, rather than to sit behind my white picket fence and moan about my taxes being used to pay for the laziness of other people.

I am a girl I never thought I’d be.

And even on the days when she’s still growing up, still learning who God created her to be, still learning how to bring Heaven to Earth?

I like her.


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