painful and beautiful

This much I know.  2013 is going to be painful and beautiful.

That’s the nature of the beast when you create a life of beauty.  You can never be in the presence of true beauty without experiencing growth.  And growth never comes without pain.

I’m excited, in an uncharacteristically calm and deeply rooted way.  This year feels different.  The new year typically comes with all this flashiness for me, historically.  Glitter and stilettos and loud music and celebrating people.  But this year is ending in such a quiet, open space.  And so the next will be ushered in by the same quiet, open space.  And in that space, there’s a beautiful anticipation of things to come.

I’m looking forward to living life in community.  Josh and I will be inheriting a roommate in March, and I could not possibly be more excited.  I love this part of our journey.  I know hospitality and community to be two of the most simultaneously difficult and amazing roads to walk.  I’m so looking forward to walking those roads with my husband and a dear friend, one who shares our hearts for Jesus and music and traveling and being the church in real, messy, daily life.

I’m looking forward to continuing to love on broken babies.  Truth be told, I’ve been feeling really discouraged by my job lately.  There are moments when I think I’m really just not cut out for teaching.  As I get older, I find more and more that I am a person who would rather have a small circle of deep influence than a wide circle of shallow influence.  Sometimes, it kills me that I work with 120 kids a day who desperately need to be loved on.  And I get to love on all of them a little bit, but I never get to invest in any of them to the degree I’d like to.  That feels impossible to me some days, and makes my job feel exhausting in moments.

But, right on time, a talk with one of my best friends today reminded me that sometimes it’s the smallest steps that make the most impact.  So as we go into second semester, I will continue to love on my babies just like I have for the past 4 months.  But I’m going to go in praying that God will give me a special love for a few of them, and show me how I can love them well in a more intentional way.  I know that desire to deeply invest in broken babies one-on-one is something God put in me.  And I know that He won’t start something in me that He can’t finish.  So I’m really excited to see where that goes.

I’m looking forward to traveling.  To spending late nights with good friends.  To continuing to learn how to love my husband well.  To laughing.  To learning to be a better cook.  To writing music again, and to performing.  To early mornings and black coffee.  To being the church with the people God’s given me.  To snuggling.  To long talks over hot tea.  To surprises.  To seeing friends get married and have babies.  To sharing in joy and sorrow with people I love.

This much I know.  2013 is going to be painful and beautiful.


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